I have to admit that I have a completely schizophrenic nature when it comes to sex and spirituality. Most of my detractors have been especially fond of highlighting the inherent contradictions between my self professed spiritual beliefs and my equally deep longing for sexual stimuli and experiences.
I have realized at this point in my life, after a decades of trying to subdue the vehement and tempestuous nature of my sexuality, that this is a futile effort. Well, I realized this a long time ago, but now I have only come to accept this. What I did not realize in that past was that this powerful sexuality was not somehow in complete contradiction to spiritual longings. In many ways these two parts of our personalities are the flip sides of the same coin. The flight into sexual pleasure is similar to the flight in spiritual ecstasy; both provide us an entry into a world that is different from our everyday, predictable routines. Both provide us with a certain kind of union: the sexual, a union with another person; the spiritual, a union with the Divine. In this way both provide us with an antidote to our inherent loneliness as autonomous beings. The difference is this: with sexuality, we often have a rather transitory experience, and seek that experience over and over again; whereas with the spiritual, the experience is usually much more permanent, attainable, and even satisfying. Prayer and meditation feed the soul and mind in a way that sexual pleasure cannot. In this respect I have to say that the spiritual is the higher realm, even the better; but that is not to say that the sexual is somehow bad or evil or to be avoided. The sexual is still good. It is just as powerful as the spiritual. Because of this, I think both must be integrated in a healthy way.
Some of us simply have powerful, overwhelming sexual drives. I am one of those. Just there are freakish athletes in the world who can do things most people cannot, so this is true for those of us in the sexual realm. My lovers have always enjoyed this part of me; it is something I was simply born with, and it originates from a deep well of sexual desire and stamina. Why this is I am not sure. I suspect it is simply a matter of biology. For whatever reason I have been blessed with an enormous amount of testosterone which in turn fuels and equally enormous sexual appetite. I have always had a strong, muscular body to channel that. It also means I have had to live within an unconventional world of sexual experiences and relationships.
Although earlier in my life I thought marriage might be a good idea, and was even engaged two times, I know now that the married life, a commitment to one person and the responsibilities of children, would not have been a good thing for me. I simply need sexual variety. I also need my freedom to pursue my goals in life, sexual or not. As far as the sexual, I am driven to experience as many women as possible. Although I always practice safe sex and have no desire to impregnate a woman, because I do not want to be hampered by children, still, the desire to spread my seed in as many woman as possible drives my sexual history. Monogamy was never for me. What has always fascinated me is how many women also find monogamy to be a difficult paradigm to live within. For women, however, there is much less societal approval for their own sexual freedom, and much greater pressure, to somehow live the traditional life of a devoted wife and mother. Of course there are simply biological reasons for this too: the biology (and sociology and psychology) shows us that after about five years, many women begin to get bored with their monogamous relationships. Why? This is the natural cycle for them to bear and raise a child to the point of some independence, and nature has ordained that we should seek genetic variety to keep the species strong, so many women naturally begins to look for other men to impregnate them after about five years of being with one partner. Of course most women fight this tendency in our world; but that does not mean they are going to win that fight. Rather, it means that roues such as myself, the Racer X’s of the world, will understand that a woman is most easily seduced once she begins to feel that longing for sexual variety in her own life. I cannot tell you the number of women I have been involved with in these types of situations, but it has been dozens. My own experiences, as well the social sciences, confirm in my mind this basic, ancient, and biological reality of our human existence. For the most part we are creatures wired for sexual variety, both men and women.
There are few more delightful experiences than meeting former lovers. The sex is familiar and satisfying. Although the thrill of the new is not there, after a few years apart, there is a different type of thrill of renewed physical acquaintance. I also enjoy seeing how a woman has grown sexually since she first experienced the divine pleasures of being completely and thoroughly ravished by Racer X. As I have often written here, one of my greatest pleasures in life is tapping into, revealing and unleashing a girl’s inner, hidden and often repressed sexuality, a girl’s “inner whore” to use an old phrase. While most men cannot reconcile their need for both a sexual girlfriend and the potential wife and mother of their children, being trapped in the eternal Madonna/whore complex, I on the other hand, having rejected the traditional notions of monogamy, rejoice in sharing with as many woman as possible the unbridled pleasures of sexuality; I do not condemn women for being sexual beings; rather, I want them to be as sexual with me, and whoever else they want, as much as possible. I don’t care. I like meeting and being involved with women who are deeply sexual in their own right and unafraid of that.
Plus, there is just the pure thrill and pleasure of variety. Everyone is different. This can be fascinating. Women are much less predictable when it comes to their sexual experiences and proclivities, so discovering this with each new lover is always one of the greatest joys of endless variety. Even more enjoyable is introducing a previously self conscious and sexually conservative girl to the joys of unbridled sexual pleasures and experiences. To put it bluntly: every girl has her inner whore waiting to be unleashed. One former lover of mine, shocked and amazed and most satisfied after a long summer afternoon of sweaty fucking, said to me, “I did not know people could have sex for hours on end like that!” Her previously nice but sexually dull boyfriend unfortunately was unable to provide her with such an experience.
And yet she felt guilty over her one day of complete sexual abandonment with me. After a few months of flirting and seductive talk, we fucked only once, and although she enjoyed every minute of our love making, she immediately had to return to her self imposed and societal accepted role as a “good girl”. Why was this? Guilt, that famous, infamous, and inherently neurotic part of the female psyche. Women feel guilty about everything, but they feel most especially guilty about experiencing sexual pleasure outside the traditional boundaries of socially sanctioned relationships. But this is the contradiction in women I love exploring: their hidden need for sexual variety, their willingness to experience forbidden sexual pleasure, that part of them deep inside that is purely sexual, and then the guilt they flagellate themselves with after they have acted out on their surprising (to them) sexual desires, or allowing themselves to be seduced into sexual pleasure by men such as me. So many desire sex and nothing but sex; and yet too many hate themselves afterwards for doing so. Rare is the woman who is comfortable enough with her sexuality that she can be free to experience and explore as much as she likes, guilt free, without reservations. Such women only emerge in their late twenties or thirties as best. Or perhaps that is the point in their lives that the rationalization hamster begins to tire out and they simply start to accept their own sexuality, conventional or not.
In my experiences, most girls, however and sadly, will never find that inner whore, condemning themselves through societal pressure to live the too often stifling lives of the good girlfriend, the good wife, and the ultimately bored partner, someday only too ready to be seduced by men such as myself, and experience that one afternoon of hot, forbidden fucking they have previously only heard about from their more “slutty” friends. Their own self imposed guilt about exploring their sexual desire and experiences will be the key that locks them into that life long prison of predictable erotic mundanity with their vanilla, beta provider boyfriends and husbands. And yet this provides a rich crop of potential harvest for degenerates such as myself, and this is true because the biological realities of our existence are not going to change after 50,000 years. The species needs genetic variety to remain strong, and women, as much as men, are forever bound to the laws of nature.
Now, where the spiritual fits into all this, where love and God and the divine play in, is the subject of a different post.
The main theme of this blog since its inception has always been the tension between sexuality and spirituality. That remains true today. It remains true in my own life still. It will remain true forever, at least for me. It is part of my journey. Now, in the meantime, let me praise the pleasures of the harem. Yes, Racer X does indeed enjoy such things.