There is a common notion out there that being a highly sexual person, being someone who wants to have sex with various people, being someone who loves intense and varied sexual pleasures and the pursuit of these, is someone flawed and even damaged. The term “sex addict” sprung up over the last few decades to describe people who enjoy the eroticism of life to a higher degree than others. I imagine this term was created by those whose sex lives are stifling, or lacking, to describe those whose sex lives were more vigorous and experimental. It was created in part by those who suffer the extreme guilt that is often the characteristic of a highly sexual person. But I think this is a false notion. Yes, it is possible to be a “sex addict” and live a normal and healthy life. I use the term “sex addict” lightly here. I do not mean something which interferes with your normal life or causes you pain or disaster, or something that is out of control–certainly these situations do exist, are not good or healthy, and should be avoided. Rather, by “sex addict” I mean simply someone who admits that they are much more sexual than the average person, and need to satisfy those sexual desires in a way that is not harmful to themselves or others. Sex can be addictive in a good way, in the same way that reading can be addictive, or writing, or exercise, or good music, any other pleasurable pursuit. The key is in how you handle your sexual desires as an individual. Admitting that you need lots of sex, then meeting those desires, is much healthier than trying to suppress them because you think that there is something wrong with you.
I have often written here about how much I love sluts. Yes, I love a slut. Most guys, and most girls, are highly hostile to a girl who loves sex and is not afraid to explore and enjoy sexual pleasure with as many people as she chooses. What they fail to understand is that often the girl may be selective: she may love sex, but she chooses whom she fucks. She may only need to fuck one person, but that need is constant and she may need it several times a day. She may also choose to fuck as many people as she likes. The key is that it should be her choice. For me, the freedom to be as sexual as one wants, without being guilted or shamed by society at large, is a freedom worth pursuing and promoting. I love meeting slutty girls, because when I meet a slut I have met someone like myself, a person who is deeply sexual, who thinks about and is happily engaged in the eroticism of life, and there is a nice connection in that. Not everyone is like this, so the connection when made is usually fairly strong and lost lasting.
The reality is that most people are not that highly sexual. After all, most people get married rather young, and stay with their spouse throughout most of their lives, limiting their sexual experiences to that one person. There is nothing wrong with that, and this is needed really for the propagation of society. But the result is that they often get fat, out of shape, or are drained by the demands of work and family, and no longer find their spouse attractive. They often lose touch with their own sexuality as well as the overall eroticism of life. I suppose this an inevitable part of our world for most people.
The society of sex addicts, on the other hand, is different from the dominant societal paradigm of love and marriage. For men, you must have the ability to bed women; a man who is a sex addict without the capacity for sex with many women is a sad and terribly frustrated creature. For women, you must not let your own sense of modesty and the slut shaming of other girls deter you from who you really are. If you love sex, and need lots of sex, you cannot deny yourself that. If you do, you will eventually descend into a strange and torturous neurosis. Most sex addicts are really not cut out for marriage, long term relationships, monogamy, even children, or the other demands that society expects of us. When a sex addict tries to live within the bounds of societal pressure, usually they find unhappiness. The male sex addict trapped in a sterile marriage often turns to porn, prostitutes and affairs to satisfy his needs. The female sex addict, if in a bad relationship, will easily find other men to satisfy her. Lies and deceits and pains usually result. When these sad souls finally admit to themselves and others their sexual desires, and pursue those in a healthy way, they usually find greater happiness. I know this from personal experience. My own years of trying to suppress my sexuality for various reasons, whether through monogamy or in the name of religious purity was perhaps one of the most destructive things I ever did to myself; my liberation from that, or the periods in my life when I was more free with my sexuality, were periods of my greatest happiness and confidence. The older I get, the more aware I am of my own proclivities, my own highly sexual nature, who I truly am, and living that out in a way which is both safe, healthy and happy.
In my life I have known many women who were sex addicts. They loved sex. They enjoyed porn. They loved to masturbate, usually daily, and did not feel guilty about it. They wanted to experience hot and naughty sex with different people. Some were not into marriage or children. Some were. Some were highly educated, career women; some not so. (I personally love the highly intelligent, career woman, for various reasons, but one reason is that she has a life outside of the relationship and does not need me to constantly reaffirm her value or worth. There a few things more suffocating than being with a clingy, needy person who invests their entire identity into their relationship with you. I hate that…). Highly sexual women come in all different varieties. I have had many lover affairs with such women. I have also had many short, sexual trysts with such women. None of them I regret. There is a certain joy in finding people like yourself sexually, and then experiencing the pleasures of sex with them. It can be liberating. You say to yourselves, while lying in bed, hot and sweaty and still panting after an intense sex session, “Wow, finally I have met someone who is as much a freak as I am.” There are those of us who need our personal space, our freedom for our pursuits, and the traditional boundaries of monogamous marriage or relationships tend not to work. There are those of us who simply enjoy lots and lots of divine, wonderful and intensely erotic sexual pleasures.
I love such women. I myself have never had a need or desire for marriage or children. I have had to end relationships with women on account of this. Such things are never easy; but it is better to be honest with oneself then try to be someone you are not. My life has always been devoted to art and literature. I enjoy writing, and writing takes much alone time. These are the things I love. Oh yes, and I love sex and eroticism and the beauty of eroticism. That is just who I am, and have always been and always will be. I love having lots of sex with as many as women as possible. Or perhaps lots of sex with one special woman; it all depends on the circumstances. But whatever the situation, I take comfort in knowing that there is a society of us out there, those of us who love sex, who do not desire marriage or children, and want to live our lives as freely as possible. We are both men and women. We are the Secret Society of Sex Addicts.