Once again, let me say how much I hate Avatar. Why the director James Cameron gets some sort of credit for “revolutionizing” the film world by producing this movie in 3D is beyond me. People have compared it to the first the talking movie, The Jazz Singer. This is ludicrous. There is no comparison between what CGI has done for film and what talkies did. As far as I am concerned, all this CGI infatuation creates little more than glorified cartoons. These worlds do not look that real. CGI has dumbed movies down.
Undoubtedly there will be a sequel to this fluff. This will be another opportunity for Cameron to show his outstanding skill at making movies that appeal to fourteen year old girls. He is no John Ford. As a matter of fact, I wish I could do the sequel to Avatar. My sequel would be simple: lets go back to Pandora and finish the job. For instance, we hang Jake Sully as a traitor. As a marine he broke his orders. In case you don’t know, Jake Sully was the crippled marine who, like Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves, turned native, and helped the natives to beat the evil white man. I find it funny how these movies about the noble natives always require a white man to save them from the white man in the end. Remember The Last Samurai, staring…Tom Cruise?
But lets get down to some more details. Here are the characters I would change.
Colonel Quatrich, otherwise known as Papa Dragon, the ass kicking, bloodthirsty marine, is my favorite character. Although killed in the first movie, I would bring him back. Hell, it is in the future, and we can do lots with preserved DNA. He is my favorite character because he is the most wooden, stereotypical character of the whole film. Cameron wants us to hate him, feel revulsion over him, and then wallow in our guilt as Americans because of him. He represents all that is bad and evil and hurtful and insensitive about Americans. We hurt the Indians. Boo hoo. We dropped the A-bomb on those poor Japanese. This aggressive and callous militarism is embodied in Papa Dragon. He is America. We are militaristic and only want to kill and destroy. He says mean things like, “We will fight terror with terror” and “shock and awe”. Oh yes, I get it. I am supposed to feel more guilt for being a white American. Yes, thank you Mr. Cameron. Yes, this is a morality tale on how evil the corporate-military nexus is, even though it is that nexus that has allowed you to make your stupid movies and earn billions. If you hate the evil white man so much, why don’t you move to China where you can experience the full freedom of movie making. Or perhaps you can move to Africa, and experience the beauties of indigenous tribal society. Last time I checked, no great movies were coming out of the Congo. Yes, there are lots of noble indigenous peoples, living in clean and harmonious and peaceful societies, with abundant clean water, indoor plumbing, paved roads, political institutions, but not the great technology that you love. You are all they need for perfection.
Let me say it again: Cameron, your movies suck, unless you are a weepy, teary eyed, vapid, giggling teenage girl. Congratulations, you have cornered that market.
Now, when it comes to the military aspects of this movie, I say, lets wipe out the “blue monkeys”. Who are the “blue monkeys”? This was a derogatory term used by the evil corporate white man (and there is always one in Cameron’s movies) to describe the natives of Pandora. Their scientific name is called “The Na’vi”. Oh yes, sounds like a American Indian. Na’vi…Navaho….etc. You get it. They even holler and dress and look like Native Americans. So you see…the white man came to the New World and raped the land, developing it to the point where someone like Cameron could have the opportunity to make billions telling the world how evil the white man is for destroying Native American culture. But, as far as the blue monkeys, they have all those resources, and we need them. They lives in trees. What the fuck. Do they shit all over each other from the different branches, like real monkeys? Do they fuck in front of each other, like real monkeys? Do they cannibalize each other? If they have not advanced enough in their technology to appreciate the usefulness of natural resources, too bad. They deserve to be wiped out. I need those resources to make my white comfortable life even more comfortable. Wal-Mart and Chinese slave labor means cheap prices for me. I don’t want to have to travel too far to shop at Wal-Mart and save money. So in my sequel the blue monkeys would be taken care of once and for all. Papa Dragon knows what I mean.
And then there is that blue monkey chick, Neytiri, the daughter of the king or something. Yeah, I would like to fuck her, but she is too skinny. Her breasts are too small. Plus she seems like a stuck up bitch. She seems uptight. The only thing worse than an urban stuck up bitch is a stuck up bitch from a tribe of alien savages who thinks she is better than she actually is. Still, I bet she is a screamer. She looks like a cat, which makes me think she likes to bite and scratch and make all sorts of noises when she fucks. I wonder what kind of bush she might have. Is she clean shaven, landing strip, or a devotee of the Glorious Natural Pelt? Also, being ten foot tall, she must have a HUGE vagina and an enormous clitoris. I bet I would be able to get my whole head up in that blue cooch while eating her out. Now that would be the ultimate in oral sex giving.
Then there is the princess’s mother, the high priestess of Ewa, or whatever, during their primitive, animistic tribal religious service, where she was swaying back and forth and moaning with her eyes rolled back in her head like some demonically possessed witch doctor, because, well, she was a demonically possessed witch doctor. These savages need to be converted. Once again Cameron’s profound message: primitive tribal religions=good; institutionalized Western religions =bad. Only Papa Dragon understands the realities of this situation. He knows they need to be wiped out, for the sake of civilization.
Segorny Weaver’s character. She is no longer the ass kicking, Alien exterminator. Both Ridly Scott and James Cameron love the strong female lead. Rather, she has become a warrior for endangered species and exotic pets destined to escape captivity and live in the Florida Everglades, namely, the blue monkeys. She is the noble scientist, so noble that as she is dying she wants to take new biological samples of the world around her. Truly epic. Yes, the scientists are the high priests of Cameron’s PC universe. If only we would listen to the scientists all our problems would go away. Scientists are free from all sin and bad human desires and motives, like Cameron.
When the big tree is finally destroyed, every one is watching, as if they were watching the World Trade Center on 9-11. Yes, this is the subtle and profound message Cameron is trying to send us. There are those watching on monitors, the humans, and there are those present, the blue monkeys, covering their mouths, just like people covered their mouths on 9-11. The message? Who are the terrorists? The answer, the evil white man, of course. What? Aren’t there any other big trees for those fucking blue monkeys to live in? Once again Papa Dragon solves this problem for us. “And that’s how you scatter the roaches,” he says as he watches them run away after firing a few American made missiles at them.
Avatar porn. This is the best future for this franchise. My sequel would have lots of cross species sex, both graphic and kinky. Is blue monkey cum blue? How many orgasms can a blue monkey chick have? Are they into threesomes?
Avatar shows how once again the mania for CGI graphics has allowed mediocre directors such as Cameron to flourish. Critics raved at how Avatar transported us to realistic, wonderful world. We would wish we were there. Well, the whole thing still looked fake to me. CGI is glorified cartooning. The great directors of the past told great stories. They developed good characters. There was great writing. These clowns today are good as smoke and mirror. Cameron is a snake oil salesman. His wooden and dull characters prove that he is not fit to stand with the great directors of the present or past. If you like movies that look like glorified Disney cartoons with vapid story lines, Avatar is your film. With a budget of perhaps $300,000, 000, the only good news about Avatar is that the enormous expense of creating this film will limit how many of these idiotic CGI cartoons are made in the future: films such as Avatar are simply too expensive.
However, here is a suggestion. Perhaps Cameron, in his need to make insanely expensive movies for special effects, should try to cut down costs by finding and then enslaving some poor indigenous population of blue people. Then he could make all the Avatar movies he wants, free from labor cost, depicting how evil the white man, and Western Civilization is (which now includes both Whites, Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc), while raking in billions for himself.