Please, don’t masturbate! Masturbation is harmful to your health. It causes all sorts of disorders and diseases. It is a violation of God’s holy law, which states unequivocally that all sex and sexual pleasure should be experienced within the confines of a traditional marriage. Masturbation is totally destructive to the entire social order of mankind. It leads to dirty thoughts.

But, most importantly, as this add shows, each time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Yes, a poor innocent little kitten is slaughtered by an angry, indignant, Biblically based Almighty Lord because you decided to indulge in your selfish pleasures, your lust and filthy fantasies, and touch your naughty and forbidden parts. We need to finally understand, to get in our perverted and obstinate heads the way Sodom and Gomorrah did not, that masturbation is a grave sin! I know this for a fact. A priest once told me in the confessional, after I had confessed to this particularly heinous act, “There are right now in hell countless souls screaming in agony and pain and wishing that they had only one more day of life so that they could repent of the sin of masturbation” He did not add the kitten part, but this was revealed to me some time later. I got the message and from that point onward my epic struggles with this devilish vice reached epic proportions. There were periods of great abstinence, pure and holy, followed by the inevitable slide into sin, with all the accompanying filth and perversions that unbridled, masturbatory lust engenders. Learning how to come multiple times was one such result. I feel so ashamed and guilty at such pleasures. I am sure all the women I have been able to fuck for hours on end and come multiple time with, a skill gained because I learned sexual self control through masturbation, also feel terrible about that. I am sure they regret enjoying such exotic pleasures.

I have read many blogs of reformed or struggling masturbators. Oh, it is such a terrible struggle! One day you feel free from this horrible vice, the next day you have fallen into the terrible pleasure of self stimulation. Both males and females suffer from this malady. Even animals masturbate (I once saw a nature documentary which included some footage, humorously, of an orangutan masturbating). The testimonies of struggling masturbators are most heart wrenching. They go from hope and elation at having conquered this most evil of vices, to the darkness and despair of fallen back into their old habits. Unlike drugs or alcohol, or even more sinister vices, the horror of masturbation is that it is so damn easy to commit. We get horny, our hands are at waist level, and things happen. We need sexual release. And then there is the pleasure, all that damn, intense, orgasmic pleasure. And it is all free. Certainly, such an abundance of pleasure at no cost has to be wrong. God’s holy law would never allow us to enjoy such innocent pleasures without the cost of eternal damnation. The orgasm is only to be enjoyed in the conjugal act, no exceptions.

And then there is the whole porn factor. Porn is the crack cocaine of the masturbator. Imagine, seeing beautiful images of people fucking, or engaging in extremely hot sex acts, being turned on by that, and then masturbating as a result. Is there anything more horrendous? Is there anything more sinful? Is there anything more destructive to the values upon which our whole civilization is built? According to Rick Santorum, we have a pandemic of porn. Yes, porn is as pervasively destructive as the black plague, or the influenza outbreak in the early twentieth century. Remember, when you go out and about your daily business tomorrow, all those people you work with, or just see going about their daily business, are most likely caught up to some degree in this dark, secret disease: the person serving you coffee at the coffee shop in the morning, or working at the bank, the teacher, the firefighter, the mechanic, the computer geek, the jock and cheerleader, the married soccer mom, the homeless bum passed out on a park bench who puked all over himself the night before, your priest or minister, your grandmother…yes, even your grandmother may be into porn! She might be even into double penetration porn…the horrors of it all…

So please…stop masturbating. Masturbation leads to porn, to societal breakdown, to mental problems, to terrible guilt and shame, to the horrible vertiginous struggle in your soul between good and evil, and, perhaps most important of all, God in his vengeful wrath kills a cute, furry little kitten each time you masturbate!

But then again somehow, I think, God does not really care that much about masturbation, if at all. The only people who seem to care about it are the sexually uptight prudes who seem to dominate so many religious bodies.