When I was younger, I was a very devoted, orthodox, serious Catholic. I wanted to devote my life to God. I wanted to lead a pure, sin free existence. I tried. I prayed every day. I went to Mass daily. I prayed to be free from all those sinful thoughts and desires that plagued me every day. I fasted. I disciplined my body. I did everything I was supposed to do in order to find purity. There was one problem though, something that I was not expecting or even wanting. But it was a problem I had to confront each and every day of my pious filled life: my penis has a life of its own.
Yes, my pecker is a quite the devil. I swear. The SOB would just not follow my desires for a religious, orthodox, Neo-Traditional life (even though the Neo-Traditionalist were not so named back then). After an entire day of praying, fasting, sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, and legitimately reaping the spiritual rewards of those exercises, once I went back into the world I would be surrounded by the lovely sights of all those beautiful, sensuous, and hot females all over that same sinful and corrupt, fallen world. An hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament, praying for a deliverance from my sexual desires, would be instantly erased when the first hot girl in short skirt and tight shirt walked by. Then another would come by. And another. By the end of the day I was a mess of conflicted religious and sexual desires. I could feel my penis scream out for attention at each lovely image of female beauty. The summer, with its sultry heat, was the worst time for such sinful thoughts.
Then, to make matters worse, when I went to bed, and sought some sweet release from my sexual desires through sleep, my damn pecker would not leave me alone. All throughout the night he would become hard, begging me to caress him and release all those gallons of pent up sperm, and he made my sleep most difficult. What was I to do? When I woke up in the morning I felt my body filled with all those lusty thoughts, and desires, and my mind filled with fantasies. Perhaps I might have even had sexual dreams throughout the night. They were pure torture. There is nothing worse than dreaming about fucking a girl you want to fuck, thinking you are actually fucking her, and then waking up to find out it was only a dream, with the added insult of your dick staring straight back at you, as if he were some malignant sex demon laughing at and mocking your plight. “Yeah, so you really were not getting laid, huh? Well, here I am anyways, standing erect and wanting some attention. So at least stroke me, damn it! Your balls are full of cum and need to be cleansed out!” I swear I could hear my perpetually erect penis laughing.
And of course eventually, despite my most ardent efforts, I would succumb to this demon’s desires. The little head rules the big head, or so the saying goes. And thus would I begin a long, compulsive spiral down into a neurotic battle between sexual desire and sexual repression. Over the course of time it would go something like this: sexual desires, masturbation, guilt, repentance, confession, then followed again by new sexual desires, masturbation, guilt, repentance, confession, over and over and over again, day after day, month after month, year after year. Perhaps there was some porn here and there, and lusting after girls, and, if I were really sinful, I might even fuck a few girls, or take on a few lovers, which would make my guilt only that much more ballistic. I knew God had forsaken me for liking sexual pleasure and being a sexual person. After all, it says in the Bible that unrepentant sinners are doomed.
Finally, after many years of trying to be pure, I simply gave up on trying. I came to believe that there is nothing wrong with masturbation, or sexual desires, or finding some outlet for those. I came to believe these are perfectly normal things, even healthy things. And I also came to believe that you can still believe in God, still have a deep faith, and still be a sexual person outside the strict bonds of traditional Christianity. I have come to believe that in the area of sex, Christianity still has a lot of growth to do, based on the science of human biology and psychology, as well as in theology. In short, why do so many Christian denominations still base their understanding of human sexuality on rather medieval notions of the human body, without considering the role of biology, of human hormones, ect, in sexual desire. Even animals, such as primates, masturbate because they need to. But then again, as most Neo-Traditionalists believe, science is the religion of secular humanism, and therefore a bad thing. The earth really is not round or revolves around the sun after all, and that damned Galileo was a flaming liberal for thinking so. If only we could get back to the good old days of a religiously dominated society where all thought is ultimately channeled through holy religious institutions for approval. Well, that is at least what Opus Dei would like, as well as places like Iran and Saudi Arabia.
I just got sick of the secret, hypocritical world of sexual desire that exists within so many religious organizations. My own life was damaged by trying to follow too strictly these traditional notions of sexual purity that is replete with Catholicism. Why must there be so much fear of sexual desire within so many religions? Why must there be so much fear of erotic beauty? Did not God create the world, make us flesh and blood, and give us the desire for beauty and erotic pleasure? Is it not part of the whole mystery of love? The news is replete with sexual church scandals, because the complete prohibition on all sexual expression outside of marriage is ridiculously strict for 99% of most people. For those who pursue a pure, strict, complete and absolutist celibacy with joy and spiritual rewards, there is nothing wrong with that. I commend you. For the rest of us, we need some kind of sexual life even if we are not married.
I have learned that I can still have a deep faith in God and still be a sexual person, someone who enjoys the erotic beauty of life, and not feel a neurotic guilt over it. As a matter of fact, I feel much healthier being more open about my own sexual desires within the context of faith. I am sure the Neo-Traditionalists types, Opus Dei types, Legionaries of Christ types, and the fundamentalist, evangelical Christian types would say I am not really even a believer, but what I say to them is this: that is for God to decide, not you. I am happy where I am at, much happier than when I was a compulsively masturbating religious neurotic.