Yes, I know I am reprobate, a sinner, a man of often unbridled lust, someone who writes and post erotic pieces, even pictures, on this blog and then wonders if I am leading others into sinful behavior, and thereby incurring the wrath of God, or at least of those who like to refer to some of my writings as “filth” (and if it is “filth”, then why are they reading my blog?) but, despite my poor decisions, I do believe in God, and what Easter signifies, the resurrection of Christ from the dead and the eternal hope we all have in that.
This blog, with all its contradictions, is a record of my own journey through my faith, despite my failings and weaknesses. Although I am still obsessed with sex and religion, over the past few months I have come to understand more deeply the power of the spirit as opposed to the power of the flesh. True happiness lies in restraint and trusting in God’s help and mercy in all your trials. I may be constantly horny as hell all the time, but I have been learning, slowly and painfully, that it is better not to act on those desires. There is more pain in being a slave to one’s sexual appetites than in feeling deprived of sex. As difficult as abstinence can be, at least there is no slavery in that. Actually, there is only true liberation.
I am far from perfect. My life is messy. At times I feel distant from God. At times I doubt. At times I go through periods of great darkness and despair, wondering where God has gone, or if He is even there. At other times I go through extremely heightened sexual states, with sexual thoughts and desires surging through my body like some out of control river racing down the side of a mountain. I am probably a border line sex addict. I try not to masturbate, but sometimes my desires become so pent up…I know I have massive, even freakish amounts of testosterone which inflames my sexual urges, combined with a highly tuned aesthetic appreciation of beauty, especially feminine beauty. I have deeply sensual, erotic and masculine nature. Chicks dig that and I dig chicks so that can be a powerful potion for passion. Porn and erotica are constant temptations. These things have been my condition for my whole life.
I once considered a religious vocation but felt I might become a source of scandal, especially if I were desiring my own parishioners. There are a lot of attractive girls in Church and keeping my eyes off of them all the time would have been difficult. Others watching your every move would also add a element of potential scandal. Or perhaps I simply did not trust enough in God. Who knows. A religious life was deeply attractive in many ways. But I am just an old fashioned perv with a filthy imagination, something that is problematic for a religious vocation. These are not signs for a successful celibate life, at least in an institutional, religious context.
But I know in all my struggles and difficulties I could never live without my beliefs. I can’t imagine life without Christ. St. Paul talks about the love of Christ in his heart and sharing that with others and I understand what he is saying. Two thousand years of the continual witness of this love by countless believers, the power and reality of that love among believers, the transformative power of that love in individual lives and in society as a whole, is the greatest testimony to the truth of Christianity. So my personal journey goes on while once again the whole Christian world celebrates the risen Christ (well, the Orthodox, still using the Julian calender instead of the Gregorian, celebrate it next week or something like that…but that is for another post).